HighIQCommunity.Com

3,871,981 words. 4,483 posts.

High IQ Admin

Don’t Settle for Less: What Does That Really Mean?

Don’t Settle for Less: What Does That Really Mean?
Are you not willing to settle in your love life? Does it seem like there are no good ones out there? Do you find yourself dating men and then backing out of seeing them because of various defects? This guy is too cynical; that one has bad teeth; the other anxiously spilled his Macchiato all over his shirt. If you’re honest, pretty much every guy who has expressed an interest in you has had something “wrong” with him. But, you keep reminding yourself that you’re not willing to settle.
So what does don’t settle for less mean? you wonder. You’re unhappy in your dating life. And you’re not alone. Countless women struggle with this common and most self-sabotaging dead-end pattern that I describe in my book, Love in 90 Days.
Don’t Settle for Less: The Not Perfect-I’ll Pass Dead-End Dating Pattern Women can be picky, picky, picky when it comes to their suitors. They practice what I call the laws of repulsion, sitting on their high horses and judging the man’s physical qualities or behavioral traits. This guy is too paunchy, too bald, too old, too young, or even too good looking; that one has hands that are just too small. Other deal breakers: bad taste in music, a cheesy sense of humor, loves me too much, or is too predictable. One perfectly intelligent, accomplished single-for-a-longtime gal recently told me that she could tell just by hearing a guy’s name that he was wrong for her. And it was not some bizarre moniker.
The negative judgments spewing from this self-sabotaging belief are usually based on superficial traits. You become an expert in getting rid of all those defective “bad guys” who could never be the One. You tell yourself it’s because you’re not willing to settle. But guess what? These complaints—including the typical ones that I’ve listed above—have nothing to do with the qualities that make for a partner who can provide lasting love and happiness. Study after study has shown that the most important variables leading to happy relationships and marriages are a guy’s (and your) character virtues, especially empathy, concern for others, and willingness to grow. So not only did you ditch the “bad” ones, but you threw out the good ones, the great ones, and all the in-between ones, too!
Don’t Settle for Less: Projection of One’s Own Inadequacy? Curious what’s behind this self-sabotaging dead-end dating pattern of not being willing to settle? You may have trouble hearing this, but bear with me and just try it on for size: You may be unconsciously projecting your own feelings of inadequacy onto each guy you meet or date. The flaw in them becomes blinding, completely and totally turning you off. You run. And your reactions may be nothing more than defensive maneuvers designed to guard against being rejected yourself. Then you wonder why there are no good guys out there. I know, I know, this last part is not really you.
Don’t Settle for Less: Research Shows it is Contempt that Kills off the Possibility of Love. Instead of being nitpicking and acting out of these laws of repulsion, it is important that you change your perception. Yes you change. Just try it for a day! Here’s how: Notice what is really at a guy’s core in terms of his values and character.
If you don’t, your relationship-killer belief and the attitudes associated with it may set up a whole host of negative vibes. As well as emasculating and cold, bitchy behavior that has men heading for the hills. Trust me most great men who are looking for a long-term relationship don’t want that. What they really want is warmth.
If you have the don’t-settle-for-less dating pattern, you could have already thrown away perfectly great guys, any one of whom would have brought you happiness.
Don’t Settle for Less: The Case of Rachel Rachel was stuck in the Don’t-Settle-for-Less trap. Here’s how she describes her defensive pattern in a past relationship:
I want someone rich and I meet a lot of rich guys, but most se..

read more
Don’t Settle for Less: What Does That Really Mean?

Don’t Settle for Less: What Does That Really Mean?

Don’t Settle for Less: What Does That Really Mean?
Are you not willing to settle in your love life? Does it seem like there are no good ones out there? Do you find yourself dating men and then backing out of seeing them because of various defects? This guy is too cynical; that one has bad teeth; the other anxiously spilled his Macchiato all over his shirt. If you’re honest, pretty much every guy who has expressed an interest in you has had something “wrong” with him. But, you keep reminding yourself that you’re not willing to settle.
So what does don’t settle for less mean? you wonder. You’re unhappy in your dating life. And you’re not alone. Countless women struggle with this common and most self-sabotaging dead-end pattern that I describe in my book, Love in 90 Days.
Don’t Settle for Less: The Not Perfect-I’ll Pass Dead-End Dating Pattern Women can be picky, picky, picky when it comes to their suitors. They practice what I call the laws of repulsion, sitting on their high horses and judging the man’s physical qualities or behavioral traits. This guy is too paunchy, too bald, too old, too young, or even too good looking; that one has hands that are just too small. Other deal breakers: bad taste in music, a cheesy sense of humor, loves me too much, or is too predictable. One perfectly intelligent, accomplished single-for-a-longtime gal recently told me that she could tell just by hearing a guy’s name that he was wrong for her. And it was not some bizarre moniker.
The negative judgments spewing from this self-sabotaging belief are usually based on superficial traits. You become an expert in getting rid of all those defective “bad guys” who could never be the One. You tell yourself it’s because you’re not willing to settle. But guess what? These complaints—including the typical ones that I’ve listed above—have nothing to do with the qualities that make for a partner who can provide lasting love and happiness. Study after study has shown that the most important variables leading to happy relationships and marriages are a guy’s (and your) character virtues, especially empathy, concern for others, and willingness to grow. So not only did you ditch the “bad” ones, but you threw out the good ones, the great ones, and all the in-between ones, too!
Don’t Settle for Less: Projection of One’s Own Inadequacy? Curious what’s behind this self-sabotaging dead-end dating pattern of not being willing to settle? You may have trouble hearing this, but bear with me and just try it on for size: You may be unconsciously projecting your own feelings of inadequacy onto each guy you meet or date. The flaw in them becomes blinding, completely and totally turning you off. You run. And your reactions may be nothing more than defensive maneuvers designed to guard against being rejected yourself. Then you wonder why there are no good guys out there. I know, I know, this last part is not really you.
Don’t Settle for Less: Research Shows it is Contempt that Kills off the Possibility of Love. Instead of being nitpicking and acting out of these laws of repulsion, it is important that you change your perception. Yes you change. Just try it for a day! Here’s how: Notice what is really at a guy’s core in terms of his values and character.
If you don’t, your relationship-killer belief and the attitudes associated with it may set up a whole host of negative vibes. As well as emasculating and cold, bitchy behavior that has men heading for the hills. Trust me most great men who are looking for a long-term relationship don’t want that. What they really want is warmth.
If you have the don’t-settle-for-less dating pattern, you could have already thrown away perfectly great guys, any one of whom would have brought you happiness.
Don’t Settle for Less: The Case of Rachel Rachel was stuck in the Don’t-Settle-for-Less trap. Here’s how she describes her defensive pattern in a past relationship:
I want someone rich and I meet a lot of rich guys, but most se..

read more
Assertive Communication: 5 Keys to Speaking Your Truth

Assertive Communication: 5 Keys to Speaking Your Truth

Assertive Communication: 5 Keys to Speaking Your Truth
Have you ever been in a situation with your boyfriend or husband where you absolutely need to address a challenging issue in the relationship—something that is making you extremely unhappy. And you totally feel the need to spit out the truth. Yet you simply can’t? Well, assertive communication can be challenging in love, work or family relationships.
Does this sound familiar? Perhaps you often feel misunderstood, unfairly criticized or used to fulfill another’s needs? But unable to speak up to correct the situation? Perhaps you have difficulty sharing your real thoughts, feelings, needs or wants in a love relationship, at work, or with family and friends? These are all common occurrences for most of us who haven’t learned the skill of assertive communication.
The Skill of Assertive Communication Yes, I said skill. There is an art to being assertive without being either a bully or a doormat.
First, assertive communication is quite different from aggression. In aggressive communication, you take a stand for yourself that hurts, bullies, undermines, or takes something away from the other person. Simply put, the goal of aggression is, you win, they lose. On the other hand, when you are assertive, you are respectful of the needs of the other and hold a vision that is fulfilling for everyone involved. Then you do and say things that are aimed at making that affirmative vision happen.
Second, assertive communication is very different from people pleasing, being upset with yourself, or feeling unworthy. For example, when it comes to taking a stand for yourself do you feel fear-bound, stressed and stymied? Filled with a swirl of bad feelings and self-disappointment that then makes it even harder to speak your truth the next time around?
I’m no Stranger to Fear Yes, I know it well. I have had this problem with assertive communication myself! And I am a Ph.D. psychologist. But growing up with a very unassertive mother and a raging scary and unpredictable alcoholic father left me very shy, mute and unable to speak up for myself. So I studied how to become assertive. As, I learned about assertive communication, I was able to overcome this fear-bound behavior and learn to speak up for myself. And voila, I have gotten so much more of what I really want and need.
So if you suffer from any of these issues, I’m going to show you how to have a breakthrough by learning five skills about assertive communication. By practicing these skills, you will share your truths in an honest yet caring, respectful way. In a way that leads to a potential win-win-win. So that means, you are up to creating a win for yourself and your own needs. Plus, a win for the other person, as you help them come through for you. And a win for your relationship, as it becomes more fulfilling. When you keep working at assertive communication, over time you will earn your own self-respect and self-esteem.
Assertive Communication Tip #1 Stop Talking Ourselves Out of It Usually when we have trouble with assertive communication, we are busy talking ourselves out of speaking our truth. For example, in a situation that feels unfair, difficult or unfulfilling, we start having thoughts like,
If I speak my truth I will…
Sound stupid. Say or do the wrong thing. Embarrass myself. Appear selfish. Seem like I’m asking for too much. Appear to be mean (a bitch or a bastard). Be told no anyway. Be unlovable. Make him/her angry. Be abandoned. Appear impolite. Make things worse. Be hurt. By allowing this kind of inner dialogue to rule your life, you cheat yourself out of what you really deserve and need. Know this: YOU are the one doing the cheating. Not the other person. As the great negotiator, Dr. Chester Karrass said: “You don’t get what you deserve. You get what you negotiate.”
Simply put, you get what you deserve by asking for it! This is especially important in getting your deeper needs met in a love relationship.
..

read more

Assertive Communication: 5 Keys to Speaking Your Truth

Assertive Communication: 5 Keys to Speaking Your Truth
Have you ever been in a situation with your boyfriend or husband where you absolutely need to address a challenging issue in the relationship—something that is making you extremely unhappy. And you totally feel the need to spit out the truth. Yet you simply can’t? Well, assertive communication can be challenging in love, work or family relationships.
Does this sound familiar? Perhaps you often feel misunderstood, unfairly criticized or used to fulfill another’s needs? But unable to speak up to correct the situation? Perhaps you have difficulty sharing your real thoughts, feelings, needs or wants in a love relationship, at work, or with family and friends? These are all common occurrences for most of us who haven’t learned the skill of assertive communication.
The Skill of Assertive Communication Yes, I said skill. There is an art to being assertive without being either a bully or a doormat.
First, assertive communication is quite different from aggression. In aggressive communication, you take a stand for yourself that hurts, bullies, undermines, or takes something away from the other person. Simply put, the goal of aggression is, you win, they lose. On the other hand, when you are assertive, you are respectful of the needs of the other and hold a vision that is fulfilling for everyone involved. Then you do and say things that are aimed at making that affirmative vision happen.
Second, assertive communication is very different from people pleasing, being upset with yourself, or feeling unworthy. For example, when it comes to taking a stand for yourself do you feel fear-bound, stressed and stymied? Filled with a swirl of bad feelings and self-disappointment that then makes it even harder to speak your truth the next time around?
I’m no Stranger to Fear Yes, I know it well. I have had this problem with assertive communication myself! And I am a Ph.D. psychologist. But growing up with a very unassertive mother and a raging scary and unpredictable alcoholic father left me very shy, mute and unable to speak up for myself. So I studied how to become assertive. As, I learned about assertive communication, I was able to overcome this fear-bound behavior and learn to speak up for myself. And voila, I have gotten so much more of what I really want and need.
So if you suffer from any of these issues, I’m going to show you how to have a breakthrough by learning five skills about assertive communication. By practicing these skills, you will share your truths in an honest yet caring, respectful way. In a way that leads to a potential win-win-win. So that means, you are up to creating a win for yourself and your own needs. Plus, a win for the other person, as you help them come through for you. And a win for your relationship, as it becomes more fulfilling. When you keep working at assertive communication, over time you will earn your own self-respect and self-esteem.
Assertive Communication Tip #1 Stop Talking Ourselves Out of It Usually when we have trouble with assertive communication, we are busy talking ourselves out of speaking our truth. For example, in a situation that feels unfair, difficult or unfulfilling, we start having thoughts like,
If I speak my truth I will…
Sound stupid. Say or do the wrong thing. Embarrass myself. Appear selfish. Seem like I’m asking for too much. Appear to be mean (a bitch or a bastard). Be told no anyway. Be unlovable. Make him/her angry. Be abandoned. Appear impolite. Make things worse. Be hurt. By allowing this kind of inner dialogue to rule your life, you cheat yourself out of what you really deserve and need. Know this: YOU are the one doing the cheating. Not the other person. As the great negotiator, Dr. Chester Karrass said: “You don’t get what you deserve. You get what you negotiate.”
Simply put, you get what you deserve by asking for it! This is especially important in getting your deeper needs met in a love relationship.
..

read more

Codependency Definition: Six Key Signs and Symptoms

Codependency Definition: Six Key Signs and Symptoms
Here’s my codependency definition. It’s an addictive relationship where a person enables another’s immaturity, alcoholism or other self-destructive behavior. This could be with a child, sibling or partner/spouse.
Because the codependent feels overly responsible for the other’s welfare, she over-gives. So that leaves the other without real consequences for their destructive behavior.
Does this ring true about any of your relationships? Our client example focuses on a marriage but codependency applies to all intimate relationships.
Codependency Definition: A Client Example Kelly, one of our coaching clients, struggled with codependency. She was a lovely 60-something woman, highly spiritual, whose laugh was delightful. However, she was in a 10 year marriage to Jeff. A very unsatisfying and stressful marriage. Kelly saw Jeff as self-absorbed and selfish. On top of that, he was a wannabe artist. But Kelly had believed in him and supported him from the beginning. She made good money as a nurse and carried the couple along emotionally and financially.
In turn, Jeff rarely took on any money-making jobs because he was living his fantasy that he was a great artist. So such things were beneath him. He spent his days watching the news, scrolling through social media and criticizing the government. But he aimed most of his resentments at Kelly. He regularly belittled and demeaned her.
Kelly wanted to leave Jeff, but, instead felt this powerful drive to stay and take care of him. She worried, “What would happen to Jeff if I left? He couldn’t survive!” But, as Kelly confessed in her first coaching session, “I don’t really like to be with him unless we are watching a TV show together.” They seldom had sex. And very little affection. But Kelly was addicted to caring for Jeff. We’ll get back to this case later.
Are You Caught in an Addictive Relationship? Like Kelly, do you feel that you MUST give to the other person? Does this giving continue, even if you have decided not to do it? Even if your giving doesn’t help them? Are you addicted to being there for your partner? Is this a huge burden in your life?
The good news is that this is a burden you can take off your shoulders. The first step is to fully understand the problem so it can be solved. Here are six key signs and symptoms that you may be facing:
Codependency Definition 1: Identity The main issue is that your identity includes and emphasizes the other. In fact, your sense of self is fueled by an extreme dependence on the other person for approval. It is almost like they are the main part of you! At times you feel like you could not exist without them—there would be no “you” without them in your life.
Codependency Definition 2: Caretaking Addiction You experience a caretaking addiction: an overwhelming, sometimes illogical need to be devoted to him or her. Your identity is bound up with theirs. So that you constantly help, contribute to and overly nurture the partner. This is true, no matter how self-destructive the partner is to themselves. And no matter how destructive the partner is to the relationship. And no matter how destructive the partner is to you.
Codependency Definition 3: Your Partner Hurts You Emotionally The other partner regularly emotionally wounds, betrays or abandons you. When this wounding occurs, the you feel bad and may give lip service to pulling back or ending the relationship. But you remain addicted to caregiving and support. To the detriment of your own health, self-caretaking, welfare or happiness. Your personal boundaries are absent and you suffer because of that.
Codependency Definition 4: The Other’s Welfare is More Important Than Your Own Your partner’s health or financial and emotional security, their success or happiness is more important than your own. This is true even if you are facing your own health challenges or other extreme hardships. The other’s welfare comes first, regardl..

read more
Codependency Definition: Six Key Signs and Symptoms

Codependency Definition: Six Key Signs and Symptoms

Codependency Definition: Six Key Signs and Symptoms
Here’s my codependency definition. It’s an addictive relationship where a person enables another’s immaturity, alcoholism or other self-destructive behavior. This could be with a child, sibling or partner/spouse.
Because the codependent feels overly responsible for the other’s welfare, she over-gives. So that leaves the other without real consequences for their destructive behavior.
Does this ring true about any of your relationships? Our client example focuses on a marriage but codependency applies to all intimate relationships.
Codependency Definition: A Client Example Kelly, one of our coaching clients, struggled with codependency. She was a lovely 60-something woman, highly spiritual, whose laugh was delightful. However, she was in a 10 year marriage to Jeff. A very unsatisfying and stressful marriage. Kelly saw Jeff as self-absorbed and selfish. On top of that, he was a wannabe artist. But Kelly had believed in him and supported him from the beginning. She made good money as a nurse and carried the couple along emotionally and financially.
In turn, Jeff rarely took on any money-making jobs because he was living his fantasy that he was a great artist. So such things were beneath him. He spent his days watching the news, scrolling through social media and criticizing the government. But he aimed most of his resentments at Kelly. He regularly belittled and demeaned her.
Kelly wanted to leave Jeff, but, instead felt this powerful drive to stay and take care of him. She worried, “What would happen to Jeff if I left? He couldn’t survive!” But, as Kelly confessed in her first coaching session, “I don’t really like to be with him unless we are watching a TV show together.” They seldom had sex. And very little affection. But Kelly was addicted to caring for Jeff. We’ll get back to this case later.
Are You Caught in an Addictive Relationship? Like Kelly, do you feel that you MUST give to the other person? Does this giving continue, even if you have decided not to do it? Even if your giving doesn’t help them? Are you addicted to being there for your partner? Is this a huge burden in your life?
The good news is that this is a burden you can take off your shoulders. The first step is to fully understand the problem so it can be solved. Here are six key signs and symptoms that you may be facing:
Codependency Definition 1: Identity The main issue is that your identity includes and emphasizes the other. In fact, your sense of self is fueled by an extreme dependence on the other person for approval. It is almost like they are the main part of you! At times you feel like you could not exist without them—there would be no “you” without them in your life.
Codependency Definition 2: Caretaking Addiction You experience a caretaking addiction: an overwhelming, sometimes illogical need to be devoted to him or her. Your identity is bound up with theirs. So that you constantly help, contribute to and overly nurture the partner. This is true, no matter how self-destructive the partner is to themselves. And no matter how destructive the partner is to the relationship. And no matter how destructive the partner is to you.
Codependency Definition 3: Your Partner Hurts You Emotionally The other partner regularly emotionally wounds, betrays or abandons you. When this wounding occurs, the you feel bad and may give lip service to pulling back or ending the relationship. But you remain addicted to caregiving and support. To the detriment of your own health, self-caretaking, welfare or happiness. Your personal boundaries are absent and you suffer because of that.
Codependency Definition 4: The Other’s Welfare is More Important Than Your Own Your partner’s health or financial and emotional security, their success or happiness is more important than your own. This is true even if you are facing your own health challenges or other extreme hardships. The other’s welfare comes first, regardl..

read more
How to Get A Guy to Notice You Online & Weed Out DUDs!

How to Get A Guy to Notice You Online & Weed Out DUDs!

How to Get A Guy to Notice You Online & Weed Out DUDs!
Are you wondering how to get a guy to notice you online? Someone who is really a winner?
Not only that, but just how do you weed out all those duds, you know, the crazies, losers and ghosters that somehow manage to find you?
It can be super challenging and downright frustrating to find a great match on an online site/dating app! But finding true love is being done every day. Even during covid-19. You just need to learn how! There are eight fantastic ways to stand out and attract lots of great guys while weeding out DUDs (Definitely Unworkable Dudes) who will just waste your time, breadcrumb, disappear or leave you in heartbreak.
For example, one of our coaching clients, a wonderful nurse named Jade, used just one of these messaging/texting tips to find her forever love– after decades of being alone. So here are eight dating tips that will help you get a great guy to notice you.
How to get a guy to notice you online: Tip #1 Have a fantastic main photo! This means you are smiling warmly and looking directly into the camera. Wear a red scoop top—men are attracted to red! And you want to show a little skin, but not too much décolletage. Moderate makeup and a trendy haircut will make you super attractive! Remember, men are very visual creatures and all these tips are based on research on what makes a woman attractive!! Using a great photo like this will get you lots of guys to choose from and then you can use the rest of the tips to weed out the DUDs.
How to get a guy to notice you online: Tip #2 Challenge some item in their profile Take a look at an attractive guy’s profile and pick out something you could gently argue against. For example, if he says he loves long hikes alone with his dog, you could say, “But hiking together can be a high😉” Think of the repartee you see between lovers in rom coms—they disagree and have a flirtaciously great time doing it! If they do not respond playfully, you may want to weed them out as DUDs.
How to get a guy to notice you online: Tip #3 Ask for more info about something in his profile See what he says he loves in his profile and ask for more info about it. You will tap into his passion and he will notice you! And respond. So for example, if he says he loves windsurfing, you could say, “How did you get into windsurfing? It sounds awesome!” Or if he is a LA Clippers fan, ask him who is favorite player is.
How to get a guy to notice you on Bumble: Tip #4 Use a GIF The very best ice breaker on Bumble is a GIF. Make it funny and flirty—for example, a GIF of Jennifer Aniston where you say, “Jennifer let the cat out of the bag about your awesomeness😉” Or find a funny or unique one and say “This one’s for you, Mr Handsome.”
How to get a guy to notice you on Bumble: Tip #5 Ask funny questions In addition to GIFs you can also ask a funny question like “Do you have a power animal?” or “ If you had a warning label, what would it say?” “What’s your secret superpower?” Or, “What would you do if you won the lottery”? This differentiates you from all the other women out there. It makes you stand out because you come across as much more interesting. These are the kinds of funny questions that our coaching client Jade used to attract a wonderful lawyer who could have had his pick of any number of women. He was so attracted by her playfulness! They are now happily engaged.
How to get a guy to notice you online: Tip # 6 Use three magic questions For example, our brilliant Chief Creative Officer, Emily Manning from www.Lovein90DaysUniversity.com suggests, at the very start of the messaging conversation it’s a game-changer to throw out three questions — two real ones and one funny to lighten things up. One question is ok – but three, ending with a fun one really gets the conversation more interesting and memorable. Something like, “Hey Joe I’m intrigued. I’d love to know a bit more about you! For example, where did you grow up? What kind of wo..

read more

An unexamined life is not worth living.

— Socrates

Recent News

Email and Slack Have Locked Us in a Productivity Paradox

In 1982, Time magazine skipped its annual tradition of naming a “Man of the Year” to instead crown the personal computer as the “Machine of the Year.” The Apple II had been released only a half-decade earlier, and the subsequent introduction of the V..

Site Statistics

79 registered users
3,871,981 words
4,483 posts, 2 comments
8504 images

Word of the Day

  • rabbity, adj.
    rabbity, adj. Resembling, characteristic of, or suggestive of a rabbit; containing many rabbits.